That Whole "Contact" Thing

I am occasionally exposed to the smell of weed, and often to the sight and smell of booze. And usually there's a little voice in my head that says, "Let's get some of that!"

To that voice, I say, "It makes sense that you would want that, and I understand, but for right now I'm going to choose not to." And I accept that I will hear from that little voice again.

To the people using, or to the world of medical marijuana, I say, "You know, if it works for you, go for it. It has nothing to do with me. I personally can't handle it, so I decide not to do it."

Either way, I avoid the situation as much as I can, and especially when I am stressed out or upset, or otherwise more vulnerable than usual.

This is a good reminder, though, because tomorrow night I am going to a concert where there will be a ton of pot getting smoked. I am going with two friends from recovery, and we'll be looking for 12-step meeting during the break between sets. So in that case, planning helps, too.

An Early Struggle

One of my big struggles in early recovery was I kept hanging out with people who used. Now it seems silly, but at the time they were my friends, the only people I really knew. And I used around them because I was so worried about being accepted by them.

Fortunately, I followed the advice of the people in the meetings to hang out with them afterwards, go out for coffee, etc. Then I had sober friends, and I didn't have to worry about the whole using thing. And I also found out I was able to have fun and be sociable -- and/or talk about what was really going on in my life.

Later, when I was stable in recovery, I could hang out with some of the old crowd, but in specific conditions. Like if they were meeting at a bar, I wouldn't go. If they were going to a baseball game, maybe. If they had a party scheduled for 7, I'd show up at 7 and leave when the drinking vibe got going. And, lo and behold, they accepted me anyway!

So this is a good reminder, because I still worry too much about what other people think and get myself into trouble as a result.

"Have I Become Too Busy?"

My share on the Recovery Pipeline

Man, this one hits close to home! I realized this morning I haven't meditated in a week, am constantly running around, and yet always feel behind.

I am addicted to "busy-ness," and for the life of me, I can't figure out what I am avoiding. Whenever somebody asks what I would do without all this stuff to do, I say exercise, meditate, read, write, spend quality time with friends -- all GREAT stuff.

The other aspect I'm aware of is pure people-pleasing. I am a compulsive volunteer. I always want to play hero/leader and say yes to everything so people will like me.

I think both of these things stem from the same root: low self-esteem. I probably think I don't deserve peace and happiness, and I think I need to act a certain way to gain acceptance, and in both ways that leads me to act in crazy ways, which gets me crazy results.

So, as always, low self-esteem leads to craziness. Pot used to play a central role in that process, now it's character defects. And this topic is a great reminder.