Missing Something I Don't Want

Wait, is that right? Can I miss something I don't want?

Try this: I am in a great relationship. And there are a lot of attractive women in the world. I miss chasing them. And I don't want to chase them. I want the one I've got. Hell, I didn't even chase them when I wasn't single.

I miss the idea of chasing them, the supposed freedom it represents, and the possibility of something new and exciting. But what's real right now is the relationship I'm in, and all the new, exciting things it (and she) brings to me all the time. This fascination with the "other" is a fantasy, an escape, my mind looking for a way out of the present moment and its scary reality.

Take all that away, and I'm a happily coupled guy who also enjoys watching attractive women walk around, even indulges in the occasional sexual fantasy. Nothing wrong with either of those.

As for the "missing" something I never had and don't want, I think I can let go of that. or at least get some distance from it and see it for what it is: a passing cloud in an otherwise spotless, sunny blue sky.

Composting Character Defects

I love how Caroline Casey talks about composting and insists on positive talk, like "have your back" rather than "hold your feet to the fire."

I've been thinking more about this composting thing with the 6th Step. What if "character assets" are just "character defects" without the ego attached? Here's a quick try:

lying (control, fear, dishonesty) turned into storytelling (truth-telling to enrich lives)

co-dependence (fetishizing others' thoughts about us) turned into empathy (awareness of others to foster compassion)

stealing (immediate self-gratification, selfishness) turned into sharing (spreading goodness around to benefit others)

So maybe we just need to practice these egoless assets as much as we can, get into the new habits. Hmm. Maybe that's 6th Step work. We just have to start with the judgement-free self-awareness (with reflective helpers) to know which we're doing. Hmmmmm.

I think I'll try it with this list of character defects.

That Whole "Contact" Thing

I am occasionally exposed to the smell of weed, and often to the sight and smell of booze. And usually there's a little voice in my head that says, "Let's get some of that!"

To that voice, I say, "It makes sense that you would want that, and I understand, but for right now I'm going to choose not to." And I accept that I will hear from that little voice again.

To the people using, or to the world of medical marijuana, I say, "You know, if it works for you, go for it. It has nothing to do with me. I personally can't handle it, so I decide not to do it."

Either way, I avoid the situation as much as I can, and especially when I am stressed out or upset, or otherwise more vulnerable than usual.

This is a good reminder, though, because tomorrow night I am going to a concert where there will be a ton of pot getting smoked. I am going with two friends from recovery, and we'll be looking for 12-step meeting during the break between sets. So in that case, planning helps, too.

An Early Struggle

One of my big struggles in early recovery was I kept hanging out with people who used. Now it seems silly, but at the time they were my friends, the only people I really knew. And I used around them because I was so worried about being accepted by them.

Fortunately, I followed the advice of the people in the meetings to hang out with them afterwards, go out for coffee, etc. Then I had sober friends, and I didn't have to worry about the whole using thing. And I also found out I was able to have fun and be sociable -- and/or talk about what was really going on in my life.

Later, when I was stable in recovery, I could hang out with some of the old crowd, but in specific conditions. Like if they were meeting at a bar, I wouldn't go. If they were going to a baseball game, maybe. If they had a party scheduled for 7, I'd show up at 7 and leave when the drinking vibe got going. And, lo and behold, they accepted me anyway!

So this is a good reminder, because I still worry too much about what other people think and get myself into trouble as a result.

"Have I Become Too Busy?"

My share on the Recovery Pipeline

Man, this one hits close to home! I realized this morning I haven't meditated in a week, am constantly running around, and yet always feel behind.

I am addicted to "busy-ness," and for the life of me, I can't figure out what I am avoiding. Whenever somebody asks what I would do without all this stuff to do, I say exercise, meditate, read, write, spend quality time with friends -- all GREAT stuff.

The other aspect I'm aware of is pure people-pleasing. I am a compulsive volunteer. I always want to play hero/leader and say yes to everything so people will like me.

I think both of these things stem from the same root: low self-esteem. I probably think I don't deserve peace and happiness, and I think I need to act a certain way to gain acceptance, and in both ways that leads me to act in crazy ways, which gets me crazy results.

So, as always, low self-esteem leads to craziness. Pot used to play a central role in that process, now it's character defects. And this topic is a great reminder.