An Old Familiar Frustration

Driving home after a pleasant evening with an attractive woman. Ought to be a happy time, or so it seems. And yet there's regret. Just can't seem to get out of my head and tell her I like her, that I am attracted to her, that I'd like to kiss her. Same old thing. Determined leaving home, frustrated coming back.

Lots of shouldas and couldas on these nights. Lot of thoughts, and doubts about those thoughts. Maybe "it" just isn't happening, and maybe it's not my job as the male to "make" things happen. Maybe my lack of "action" will look like a lack of interest, or worse, a lack of manliness. Either one will chase her off, and pretty soon. We all have stuff to work through, and getting started with somebody is risky, so we're constantly weighing those against the rewards. What's the reward of a guy who acts like he's marginally interested and not attracted, or all up in his head? Or is he just a gentleman who's taking his time? She doesn't know. Neither do I.

Do I tell her? Push through? Walk away? Or do what I always do: feel frustrated, swear it'll be different next time, and then lose myself in fantasy? Works in the short term, but always brings me back to the old familiar frustration.

Shit.

Thoughts on the Third Step

My experience with the Third Step started with a decision to take the advice of my sponsor and the people in the group. They were in touch with a higher power than I was, since they were sober and I wasn't. So in those days it was a matter of going to meetings, sharing, hanging out afterwards, going to social events, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and so on -- in short, following the suggestions of the program.

As I progressed, it became more of a spiritual investigation. Who or what is my higher power, and how do I turn things over to it? I became willing to look into any tradition, try anything once, and see how it worked. Then I started noticing all these "coincidences," where I would get an intuition to take some action, then take it, and I'd get a reward or confirmation that I was on the right path. I was tuning in the God Channel.

Today the Third Step reminds me to take a breath, not go with my first thought on a subject, and instead ask myself how this situation would look without my fearful ego being involved at all. I simply question my thinking and try to access a higher, more pure place to get answers. It still works better than whatever I first think of!

Why can't we let go?

Written to a sponsee:

"The reason you can't let go of your behaviors and resentments is that they serve a purpose and give you apparent, short-term relief, coupled with a type and level of pain that you are used to, can manage to some extent, and which you have begun to think of as your birthright. Or birthwrong. In the long term you know this isn't working, but in the short term you have no idea how you can change from a familiar pain to something unknown. That's where faith comes in; it can act as the bridge beyond all the "yeah-buts" that your mind puts up in defense of the ego -- which, ironically, is the source of all your pain.

I say this because it's true of every human being, not you in particular. Maybe not the Dalai Lama or Jesus."

Missing Something I Don't Want

Wait, is that right? Can I miss something I don't want?

Try this: I am in a great relationship. And there are a lot of attractive women in the world. I miss chasing them. And I don't want to chase them. I want the one I've got. Hell, I didn't even chase them when I wasn't single.

I miss the idea of chasing them, the supposed freedom it represents, and the possibility of something new and exciting. But what's real right now is the relationship I'm in, and all the new, exciting things it (and she) brings to me all the time. This fascination with the "other" is a fantasy, an escape, my mind looking for a way out of the present moment and its scary reality.

Take all that away, and I'm a happily coupled guy who also enjoys watching attractive women walk around, even indulges in the occasional sexual fantasy. Nothing wrong with either of those.

As for the "missing" something I never had and don't want, I think I can let go of that. or at least get some distance from it and see it for what it is: a passing cloud in an otherwise spotless, sunny blue sky.

Composting Character Defects

I love how Caroline Casey talks about composting and insists on positive talk, like "have your back" rather than "hold your feet to the fire."

I've been thinking more about this composting thing with the 6th Step. What if "character assets" are just "character defects" without the ego attached? Here's a quick try:

lying (control, fear, dishonesty) turned into storytelling (truth-telling to enrich lives)

co-dependence (fetishizing others' thoughts about us) turned into empathy (awareness of others to foster compassion)

stealing (immediate self-gratification, selfishness) turned into sharing (spreading goodness around to benefit others)

So maybe we just need to practice these egoless assets as much as we can, get into the new habits. Hmm. Maybe that's 6th Step work. We just have to start with the judgement-free self-awareness (with reflective helpers) to know which we're doing. Hmmmmm.

I think I'll try it with this list of character defects.

That Whole "Contact" Thing

I am occasionally exposed to the smell of weed, and often to the sight and smell of booze. And usually there's a little voice in my head that says, "Let's get some of that!"

To that voice, I say, "It makes sense that you would want that, and I understand, but for right now I'm going to choose not to." And I accept that I will hear from that little voice again.

To the people using, or to the world of medical marijuana, I say, "You know, if it works for you, go for it. It has nothing to do with me. I personally can't handle it, so I decide not to do it."

Either way, I avoid the situation as much as I can, and especially when I am stressed out or upset, or otherwise more vulnerable than usual.

This is a good reminder, though, because tomorrow night I am going to a concert where there will be a ton of pot getting smoked. I am going with two friends from recovery, and we'll be looking for 12-step meeting during the break between sets. So in that case, planning helps, too.

An Early Struggle

One of my big struggles in early recovery was I kept hanging out with people who used. Now it seems silly, but at the time they were my friends, the only people I really knew. And I used around them because I was so worried about being accepted by them.

Fortunately, I followed the advice of the people in the meetings to hang out with them afterwards, go out for coffee, etc. Then I had sober friends, and I didn't have to worry about the whole using thing. And I also found out I was able to have fun and be sociable -- and/or talk about what was really going on in my life.

Later, when I was stable in recovery, I could hang out with some of the old crowd, but in specific conditions. Like if they were meeting at a bar, I wouldn't go. If they were going to a baseball game, maybe. If they had a party scheduled for 7, I'd show up at 7 and leave when the drinking vibe got going. And, lo and behold, they accepted me anyway!

So this is a good reminder, because I still worry too much about what other people think and get myself into trouble as a result.