Missing Something I Don't Want

Wait, is that right? Can I miss something I don't want?

Try this: I am in a great relationship. And there are a lot of attractive women in the world. I miss chasing them. And I don't want to chase them. I want the one I've got. Hell, I didn't even chase them when I wasn't single.

I miss the idea of chasing them, the supposed freedom it represents, and the possibility of something new and exciting. But what's real right now is the relationship I'm in, and all the new, exciting things it (and she) brings to me all the time. This fascination with the "other" is a fantasy, an escape, my mind looking for a way out of the present moment and its scary reality.

Take all that away, and I'm a happily coupled guy who also enjoys watching attractive women walk around, even indulges in the occasional sexual fantasy. Nothing wrong with either of those.

As for the "missing" something I never had and don't want, I think I can let go of that. or at least get some distance from it and see it for what it is: a passing cloud in an otherwise spotless, sunny blue sky.

Composting Character Defects

I love how Caroline Casey talks about composting and insists on positive talk, like "have your back" rather than "hold your feet to the fire."

I've been thinking more about this composting thing with the 6th Step. What if "character assets" are just "character defects" without the ego attached? Here's a quick try:

lying (control, fear, dishonesty) turned into storytelling (truth-telling to enrich lives)

co-dependence (fetishizing others' thoughts about us) turned into empathy (awareness of others to foster compassion)

stealing (immediate self-gratification, selfishness) turned into sharing (spreading goodness around to benefit others)

So maybe we just need to practice these egoless assets as much as we can, get into the new habits. Hmm. Maybe that's 6th Step work. We just have to start with the judgement-free self-awareness (with reflective helpers) to know which we're doing. Hmmmmm.

I think I'll try it with this list of character defects.