Defining our Higher Power (part 2)

I've been through a few versions of a higher power. The first was just the meeting I went to: whatever those folks were doing in there was obviously more powerful than anything I could come up with, since they were sober and I wasn't. So that was a good start: turning it over meant going to the meeting and trying whatever they were doing.

Next, when I started working the Steps, my sponsor encouraged me to come up with something more specific, more personal. I went with that "inner voice" which, even in the depths of my disease, was telling me to quit pot, reminding me that I hate it. I decided then that "turning it over" meant listening to that voice. I came to think of it as tuning in the Gad Radio Channel, over all the noise and static in my head.

Once I got into the groove with that, I started experiencing all those "non-coincidence coincidences" that are so magical. I saw it this way: God sends me a message, I can't comprehend where it comes from or how it arrives, but I can tune it in and try to follow it, and whenever I do, it seems like I get some kind of positive confirmation or encouragement that I had done right.

Now, my new sponsor is a stickler for something specific. He says, "You need something you can get your mind around so when you have to, you can turn things over to it." For this, I come up with a constant line of analogies, like these: We're all adrift in the ocean, which is large beyond comprehension, and we'll die alone in it, but God is like a boat we can survive in. Or God is the electricity that makes the little boat's engines run. Or God is simple, pure Truth, the way things really are, not the way my ego tells me they are or should be. Or (my current favorite) God is the absence of ego. Or god is the true and only source of wisdom and compassion.

I just heard anther good one recently: think of God as a flow of electricity much stronger than we could ever capture, but things like 12-step programs, churches and spiritual practice act like a transformer, allowing us to put the power to use and see that it's working.

I agree that MA did a good thing taking the gender out of God, and I'm glad I have some useful concepts to work with -- as well as two great sponsors!

Why MA?

I'm Paul, and I'm an addict.

I was lucky enough to live in a place where Marijuana Anonymous was pretty strong, and I plugged right in. I occasionally hit an NA meeting just for the scheduling, and I have no problem "translating."

What I am struggling with lately is being an old-timer. Most MA meetings I go to in my hometown have only one or two people with more time than me, and it seems I hear very little about people working the Steps with a sponsor. Maybe the key is that I don't hear it, as in I don't listen, but it seems like if you put a bunch of new people in a room, you get a lot of "checking in" and war stories. So that's been a frustration for me.

But I'm trying something different now: I am going to start a new meeting. Not just so I can have my kind of meeting, but also because we need a new meeting around here, and of course being stoners, we all talk about it and nobody does anything about it! So I took a survey of the local membership and settled on a part of town and a time, and yesterday I made some calls.

Basically, I figure if I let my frustrations (resentments) keep me away from MA, I am in trouble, and I can't be of service to anybody. So I am going to take more of a role, not less -- for my own benefit and that of the group.

Thanks,
Paul

Simple vs. Easy

Written in response to a testy, defensive newcomer online:

I didn't meant to imply that quitting pot was easy. There's "easy" and then there's "simple." What I was trying to say is that for me, thinking about the rest of my life leads to some pretty complex thinking that distracts me from the present moment. So, for me, a simpler path to sobriety is to just do it one day at a time. Sometimes, early on, I had to do it an hour at a time.

When I finally did quit, I didn't immediately feel in control, and I still don't necessarily think I have my shit together. I HAVE gotten some sanity in my relationship with pot. I understand that I'm an addict, which means sometimes I want to use, and that if I do use, a lot of bad things will happen. So I accept that I will occasionally want some, forgive myself for that, then make the decision not to use. It took me a while to get to that point, but it started with honesty and understanding and acceptance of myself and my situation. Sounds like you're on the same path: you're here, sharing honestly about how you feel. I'm happy to see that, and I pray you keep moving forward on the path.

Besides, if you didn't smoke today, then you're sober. Take a moment to congratulate yourself and feel some gratitude, if you haven't already.

A Word About Our Sponsors

Just shared this in an online meeting:

I am glad to see the topic of sponsors today. I went to see my family for the holidays, and there was an issue I wanted to address while I was there.

The specifics don't matter, but I thought about it and thought about it ... and then I thought about it some more.

And I developed a plan, something I was going to say to my dad, a bold action to take to solve a problem I have.

BUT, after years in recovery, I have learned that whenever I think about something that much, and give it that much importance, I need to run it by somebody.

Because I know that it's MUCH easier to understand a situation when you're not in the middle of it, with an ego investment in it.

And I also know there are a lot of wise, experienced people in this program. They're addicts, too, obviously -- but so many times they have offered me clarity on something in which I was fogged.

So I took this plan of mine to my sponsor. I wrote out what I wanted to say to Dad and how I thought this (and some action from Dad) would help me solve a problem I had. I emailed it to my sponsor.

And my sponsor, God bless him, wrote back and said "Well, this is easy! Your statement to Dad makes no sense at all. And the problem you have, which is real, has a very simple solution, which can only be done by you, with no help from Dad.

He went on to frame the problem for me, and lay out the solution, which of course I was totally aware of, and had been all along. I was just avoiding it, because of my ego and fear.

But while my sponsor certainly has his own ego and fear, in this situation he had nothing invested in it, and we have enough trust between us that he knows he can give me honest feedback and I can accept it -- most of the time!

So it was like I had a messy room, and I developed a three-pronged attack for brining people over to help and making plans for how I wouldn't mess it up again in the future, and all the storage things I would but to keep things neater, and then I ran it by my sponsor and he said:

Why don't you just clean up your room?

It was just like that: a perfectly obvious and simple solution, waiting for me to realize it and act on it. Only in my ego and fear, and being an addict, I was avoiding it. For me, that's what my sponsor is for.

He just cuts through my BS, lovingly and jokingly, and shows me what I need to see. I don't always act on it (still an addict!) and don't even always agree, but I always listen and consider it.

So that's my sponsor story. I think the most important thing I've done in this program is learn to talk about my problems, seek feedback from people I trust, and then actually listen ot them without getting defensive. What a gift!

I came here to quit pot, and I've gotten so much more. And yet all this other stuff -- trust, acceptance, humility, friends, and so on -- IS how I quit pot! Amazing.

Thanks for letting me share, and a safe, sober 2008 to everybody!